Take One for the Team

Our good friend Abu al-Dema al-Qasab is currently recruiting young jihadis for intensive jihad training. Al-Qasab shot to prominence in 2010 after a video was leaked of him explaining his specialised jihad technique. Al-Qasab's groundbreaking method was used by Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri in August 2009. Al-Asiri had previously attempted to assassinate Saudi deputy minister of Interior, Muhammad bin Nayef, a known homophobe (but a prince all the same). After this failure, al-Asiri repented and gave up his jihadi ways. He turned himself in as part of Saudi Arabia's much-lauded terrorist re-education program. In true princely fashion, Prince bin-Nayef agreed to meet with the reformed terrorist, but alas, it was a trick to blow him up! Now, the Prince was no fool and was not naïve in the ways of the world. He made al-Asiri pass through a metal detector and remain with his bodyguards for 24 hours before the meeting. How did al-Asiri manage to smuggle the bomb in and hold onto it for 24 hours?

Abu al-Dema al-Qasab, sporting a delightful white robe and
headdress, instructs fellow jihadis in the ways of gay jihad.

This is where our good friend Abu al-Dema al-Qasab comes into the story. But first, a litttle background. Many years ago, during an intimate brain storming session with a Gay Jihadi Magazine journalist, al-Qasab developed a completely novel bomb delivery technique. This technique took security experts by surprise. It certainly took al-Asiri by surprise, and you too may get a rude shock when you learn the secrets.

Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri (pbuh), now in
paradise, shows off some of his toys.

Unfortunately, after al-Asiri’s martyrdom, al-Qasab found it difficult to recruit new volunteers. He refined the technique slightly, and it was used by young Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the infamous ‘underwear bomber’. Unfortunately Abdulmutallab was arrested before he could martyr himself. He is now participating in the USA’s much-hated terrorist re-education program. Had Abdulmutallab employed al-Qasab’s original technique, he would no doubt be a martyr today and would be enjoying his 72 young boys in heaven with al-Asiri.

Yo! This is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.
You don’t want to find out what’s in his pants!

So what is this jihad technique that is so special? Well, it is not what you are thinking. Unless of course what you are thinking is what it is, in which case you would be right. But you aren’t. This is a picture of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s underwear.

The underwear bomber’s underwear.
Note in particular the lumpy bit right of centre, and the burnt bit where
the bomb failed to ignite, inflicting cruel injuries on Umar Farouk
Abdulmutallab by denying him entrance to paradise.

OK, so you want to know what this novel method of jihad is? It is only fair that we let al-Qasab introduce it himself.

Narrated Abu al-Dema al-Qasab: However, jihad comes first, for it is the pinnacle of Islam, and if the pinnacle of Islam can only be achieved through sodomy, then there is no wrong in it. For the overarching rule of [Islamic] jurisprudence asserts that "necessity makes permissible the prohibited." And if obligatory matters can only be achieved by performing the prohibited, then it becomes obligatory to perform the prohibited, and there is no greater duty than jihad. After he sodomizes you, you must ask Allah for forgiveness and praise him all the more. And know that Allah will reward the jihadis on the Day of Resurrection, according to their intentions—and your intention, Allah willing, is for the victory of Islam, and we ask that Allah accept it of you.

Now it probably is what you are thinking. Both Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri and Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab stuffed as much explosive as possible in their rectum. That is the special technique. Or at least, part of it. You may have noticed al-Qasab referring to sodomy. Putting explosives in your rectum is not sodomy. Sodomy is when another man inserts his erect penis into your rectum. This is where the special training comes in.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, in his other favourite shirt.

As al-Qasab likes to demonstrate to his critics, stuffing that much explosive in your rectum is not easy, especially if you have to hang out with the prince’s bodyguards for 24 hours before meating the prince. This is where the sodomy comes in. This is where the intensive jihad training camp comes in. According to Abu al-Dema al-Qasab, the only way to properly prepare your rectum for this ordeal is to be repeatedly sodomised by fellow jihadis. This is permitted in Islam, as Islam is all about making love, and war! All is permitted in the name of Jihad. Not only is it permitted, it is obligatory. You must do this! By sodomising you, your sodomiser also becomes a fellow jihadi. Allah will reward the jihadis on the Day of the glorius Resurrection, and accept it of you too!

Now is your chance to finally enter paradise. Al-Qasab wants YOU! Al-Qasab is very accommodating and is looking for jihadis to fill the roles of both giver and taker. Each role has its own particular difficulties and requirements. Al-Qasab stresses that there are no homosexual connotations in being the taker rather than the giver. Remember, all is permitted in jihad! As the intent of the sodomy is to widen the anal passage as much as possible, al-Qasab is particularly interested in well-endowed men for the role of giver. The ideal candidate is a large black AIDS infected african man. The AIDS virus helps to finish off any victims who are injured but not killed in the blast, provided it is transmitted to the taker early enough. To hasten the application process, men from certain eastern ethnic groups are discouraged from applying for the position of giver.

The position of taker is open to all applicants, but preferably people who do not look like terrorists. In addition to being repeatedly sodomised, you may also have to endure the shame of shaving your beared off and letting your underarm harm grow. Pretty boys are especially sought after in this role, to ease the burden on the givers.

Training is an intensive program at al-Qasab’s secret spa retreat in Saudi Arabia. If you are interested, speak to one of us at the next Gay Jihadi Magazine fundraiser sausage sizzle. You too can follow in the glorious footsteps of Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri. Now that you know the secret of how he smuggled that bomb through the metal detector and kept it hidden from the prince’s bodyguards for so long, you too can be a Gay Jihadi!

And what of Prince Muhammad bin Nayef? Now he knows better than to attempt to re-educate terrorists. Here is an ‘after’ photo of him:

Saudi Prince Muhammad bin Nayef takes a break from washing the dishes to talk about
the horrific injuries to his finger sustained at the hands of Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri

We also have a before and after picture of Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, but it is pretty gross, so we put it in the special sealed section, after the photos of Osama Bin Laden’s dancing boys. For those viewing on the website, scroll down. But be warned, this one really is gross.

Jeeeeth Chrith! Keep thcrolling!

A before and after shot of Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri.